Love- Poem- (2,3)

Granted, this poem is about 8 months old, not one of my best, and makes me sound very fan-girl-ish... i know THAT already, lol, any other suggestions?

Love

Do I deserve this?
Where did I go right?
Was it when it hurt so bad…
Just to say “Good Night”?

Maybe it’s all in my head
Maybe it’s not true
Maybe you don’t exist
Although I’m sure you do

Why is it that when you hurt
My heart is crying too?
Every time you call
I’ll be here for you

What is this feeling?
A gift from above?
What ever it is
Can I call it Love?

It's adorable.
I mean, sooo cute. It's like throwing up a kitten with a pink ribbon.

Technical was fine.
The flow was fine.

Good Peice.

dismal_s child wrote:It's adorable.
I mean, sooo cute. It's like throwing up a kitten with a pink ribbon.

Throwing up a kitten with a pink ribbon is CUTE?!
I think my opinion of cute differs quite alot from yours. lol

1. A PINK ribbon? Any color but that one, please!
2. Puking up a cat, especially a baby one, sounds gross, even painful.
3. How did the kitten get there inorder to be puked up...?

Magic. In response to all posts, but mainly the Original.

I really dont know who would eat a kitten (probably the PWETA, People who eat tiny animals xD) nevermind whole. Also anything I shove down my throat, I really dont want to see again unless its brown and cylindrical.

Btw Poem was great. I really liked it.

I only have tiny suggestions for the piece.

Although i'm almost sure you do.

I suggest putting in the word almost because it is obvious you are already hesitant that this feeling/relationship might not be real...so you contradict yourself by saying "maybe you don't exist although i'm sure you do."
Putting in the word almost makes it sound like, even if this person doesn't exist, or relationship or whatever, you believe that it does.

The ending is a little....predictable. I usually don't like poems that have love as a rhyming word because usually people never think beyond above, and that rhyming word is so played out. There are so many other words you could use. For example, glove, shove, tough...but, since you said in your description that it was 8 months old, I will not be too hard on you.

kio wrote:Also anything I shove down my throat, I really dont want to see again unless its brown and cylindrical.

Wow. that is probably more than i needed to picture. thanx... (How did you know what color the kitten was? lol)

Any way... about the whole "Rhyming with the word Love" thing, it was supposed to be slightly predictable. (Didn't you notice the title? you KNEW it was coming, lol)
And why would i use the word "Shove" lol... it was supposed to be a romantic poem. HAHA

I wrote it for a boyfriend at the time... I finally gave it to him on valentines day and then we had a few minor disagreements... well "minor" is debatable... they were Major enough to perminantly end the relstionship.... O_o *shrug*

XD I wasn't suggesting that you use shove somewhere in your poem, I was simply naming other rhyming words. I suppose I was a bit biased reading the piece in the first place. And good point, it was supposed to be predictable, how else would you tie in the poem with the title right.

Cheesy to a fault.

The last stanza however redeems the entire piece singlehandedly, and that is amazing.

well done!