Only Yours-poem-3

raining_roses Sun Jan 25, 2009 1:44 pm

Though the day travels onward in its endless
cycle of warm depression, alone in its orbit for
those that surround it use it for
only it's warmth and recoil at it's embrace.

And all though the stars shine forever in a
twinkling symphony they but
offer so little with their ever
lasting beauty that you cannot
help but pity them in all their glory.

And all though the sea is vast,
and most parts remain untouched by the
human hand, you cannot help but wonder if
the secrets they hold are as
wondrous as they boast.

And though I must part from you, my soul shall
flutter on the wings of a butterfly to lay in waiting
for the day your very shadow falls over
me. To bring me bliss in this world and the next.

And so as time seeks to pull us
apart, no matter how far I have
traveled in this celestial body, my heart
shall always belong with you.

abuzzbuzz92 Sat Feb 14, 2009 2:59 pm

As much as I liked this, I thought the sentence construction and flow was too choppy to enjoy as much as I would've otherwise. I suggest you reread this, and see where you could add/remove words in order to improve the flow of this poem. I also felt it started a little too suddenly, which you could rectify but introducing a new opening stanza. I liked the words you used though, and the descriptions were quite vivid too. Enjoyed reading this overall, and hope to see more from you soon, Nikks Wink