Love lost by a knife/ 0-3

I don't know what to do
I was about to tell you my
Deepest and darkest secret
I....I've cut myself
never hard enough to leave a scar
that way no one would know
but just as I'm going to tell you
you tell me,
that if I ever hurt myself
you would stop loving me.
Frozen with fear
I tell you that I would never
because its stupid.
Later on I just start to cry
so of course you ask me why
the guilt has gotten to me and i break down
and i tell you everything
but before you could say anything
I hang up the phone
I know what your going to say
or at least i do
either way you cant call back
its way to late
I know i hurt you
So i hope you forgive me on that
but as for loving me
I guess I'll never know



Written after i thought i lost my boyfriend due to the fact that i was a cutter, then i found out he use to put staples in his arm. we helped each other quit, but this poem can be used as something for all those people who cut themselves till they lost everything they had.

hmmm it's pretty good!
I would revise it though and maybe add more puncutation and structure.
Right now as I read it, it seems more rambling than a poem. But I think re-reading it and tweaking it would make it better.

I am now screaming inside like going NOOO NOT AGAIN!

Honey love, baby doll...i've seen what you can do! it frustrates me to
no end how you can write! AND THIS! You come out with this! It makes me
shudder. Not that im saying you are a horribly disgusting writer what i
am SAYING is you are NOT applying yourself!

this isn't a poem! this is a "i want to tell the world whats wrong but
since they dont ask thrown subtly aside and write it in a "poem" format
so they can all feel my pain!"

AAAAAND this is where i bang my head up against cement!

I cannot begin to show you were you need to revise! redo! something or
other to give it a semblence of a non-self centered emo i wanna cut
poem!!!!!

I refuse to stand by and say "oh how nice"

Nope and you know im not going to say that, for that fact alone you shoudn't be surprised by this. This whole thing needs to be ripped up and re-sown together forming something POETIC and not a rant/journal.

"I....I've cut myself
never hard enough to leave a scar"

this shows the insecurity of the inner voice that is speaking, the "never hard enough to leave a scar" shows that you aren't even committed to such an idiotic task yet still like to bring it up for the sympathy of others....yeah...

"Later on I just start to cry
so of course you ask me why"

and here you jump out of your whole rhyme scheme and start well rhyming...

"I know i hurt you"

this should be "I know i have hurt you"

-____-

"So i hope you forgive me on that
but as for loving me
I guess I'll never know"

THAT totally contradicts

"that if I ever hurt myself
you would stop loving me."

THIS!

gawd....well enough said before i have a three book length critique on something that doesn't even seem to have had any time spent on it.

Nikki