Just You and I-Poetry-(1,2,3)

MaliaG Sat Aug 30, 2008 4:03 pm

The dimming light flickers
As we gaze at the shadowed ceiling
Everything lies still and voices are hushed
Just the soft whispers of our breathing

Nothing seems rushed
I’m just lying in your arms
Only thinking about now, there is nothing else
There are no sounds, no alarms

Just you and I melt
Into the crisp cool night
Untouched by the world around us
It’s in these moments that I know this is right

This is surely love not lust
I can’t even begin to explain the amount
Just like all of the stars in the sky,
you can not count.

Some nights we study the stars
Amazed at their beauty
And watch the settling clouds
Dance in the headlights

The steam crawls across the window panes
We could sleep here all night
In the mist you draw a heart
And I’ll smile

abuzzbuzz92 Wed Sep 03, 2008 9:29 pm

This was really sweet. It's always really nice to have someone you can share such a close bond with. One of those rare occasions where I felt rhymes seemed subdued enough to not be criticized very much, so good job with that. I liked the casual , personal style you adopted whilst writing this.

I felt the first stanza was slightly cliché and ordinary, unlike probably all the rest of them. I would suggest you revise that. The only other suggestion I can think of is the punctuate this with a couple of commas and full stops, so that the flow can ease a little. Not too much else I can think of where I can be of any assistance. Thanks for sharing,

Abbas

kittygonecrazy Thu Sep 04, 2008 4:53 pm

(im not very good at giving long comments...or comments at all but i try)

i liked it. i found it simple and easy to read. really sweet. good job

Jadson Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:26 pm

I'm not much for poetry but this one is simple and clear, no complex metephors or any crap like that. Its straitforeward and I can share in the meaning and the emotion behind it, rather then dabble in the interpretation of words.
Very well done

Butterfly Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:37 pm

What I like the most about this poem was the calm, smooth way it drifted along. It felt just like the moments described. Very comfortable and effortless. Thank you for sharing.

raining_roses Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:39 am

I agree with butterfly this poem has a sort of relaxed not over thinking every little sign offered. it's beautifully written and the simplicity is breath taking. Great Job Hon

Olias Thu Oct 02, 2008 10:38 am

You've hit my heartstrings, dear.

Poems do that to me sometimes. Right now, this one is just making me feel even more lonely than I already am. I'm jealous of you.

The only thing I find is that the first two stanzas feel cliched. The rest of the poem is excellent, but I feel it could be somewhat improved if you modified the first two stanzas a little bit. Just take a look at them, and you'll see what I mean.

But, I hate to sound too critical, so...I love this poem.

Good job, Malia.

~Asiaticfox

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