Untitled - Short Story - (0 or 3)

I wrote this a while ago and have posted it on several forums.

I've never gotten much response.

So basically, for the sake of my sanity, comment on it. Tell me it's great, rip it to shreds, whatever. I don't care anymore. I just need a general opinion on my standard of writing two years ago compared with my standard now.

So, compliment or criticize awaaaaaaay!

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A cruel smile played on Kane's lips as he swung open the heavy door and stepped out into the cold, grim world. The rain came down heavily, freezing him. "The world is a cruel place." he thought to himself. He ran his thumb over the cold steel of the knife in his pocket. He was completely aware of what he was going to do and he didn't counter his thought with any other. Anyway even as he drew his next breath of cold, stale air he knew many, many others would be drawing thier last. What difference was one more going to make?

He allowed himself to chuckle. It was hardly as if Russell had been a contribution to society. Drinking buckfast with his mates at the weekend, throwing bricks at Kane's own Grandmothers window. Boy would he regret that! Kane knew the fate he had planned for Russell was far too soft. The humiliation and pain he had caused him over the years were deserving of more than a quick death. But it was all Kane could manage and he took his life as it came to him. But taking someone else's life was a whole new game.

He knew where he would be. Where else would some lowlife piece of scum sell wine to minors. The local shop. He was there all right. A brief flash of malice appeared in the eyes of Kane and again he drew comfort from the blade in his pocket. Enjoying the sharp edge puncturing his cold flesh. The icy wind beat against his face as he walked seemingly casualy towards the back of the shop. "Russell has always been a moron." he thought and laughed. More than a chuckle this time but a cruel, demonic laugh that reflected his surroundings.
For the first time Kane drew the blade from his pocket. The heavy rain beating down on its blooded point. Kane looked at his finger and smiled. The fresh wound still complete with running blood. "Soon," he said to the blade "It will be Russells blood on your point." bringing fresh laughter to him.

He sneaked down quietly, very quietly to the upturned bin. The rain hiding any noise he made. He saw him again and could contain himself no longer. He lept up and with an inhuman howl drove the point of the blade into Russells back. Russell had had enough trouble standing himself and when the knife came into contact with him he fell his head smashing off of the wall sending blood running down it only to be diluited by the downpour of rain. There were no screams, he was dead before he knew it.
Kane felt nothing looking down on the corpse. All around him bloodied water flowed into the drains. No doubt about it he was going to be caught. Perhaps it was time to extract a little more "revenge" before he did...

Most of Russells gang for starters. A coward like Russell wouldn't last five minutes by himself. But first, Kane would return to home and make the plans.

No! No time! He heard the sierins of a police car and the slamming of the door. He ducked down skilfully out of sight as the young ned ran forward, ignoring the cadaver on the ground, and jumped the fence. The policewoman was much more observent. She looked down in horror at the corpse, a pale cold look came accross her face and the wind blew on it mercilessly. She looked like she was about to vomit before reaching for her radio, clearly her training outweighed her horror but as she said the first few shakey words into it Kane struck again slashing the bloodied knife across the soft flesh of her throat. She soon joined her fellow corpse on the ground.

This time Kane felt the full force of the act he had commited and he fell to his knees, vomit rising in his throat. The accusing, lifless eyes of Russell and the WPC stared up at him. He backed away in terror, as if some way they would jump up and strike them, as he did them. The vomit that rose in him reached the ground mixing in the blood and rain in some disgusting cocktail. Kane never meant an innocent to be harmed, he didn't mean this at all. He broke down in tears and let out a howl of anguish. He bowed his head. The wind was howling in his ears. Amist the tears he said a prayer. A prayer for redemption.

Russells bottle lay on the dank, dirty ground. Most of its contents had joined the gore on the ground but some remained. It lay there inviting Kane to just pick it up and enjoy. To numb the pain and anguish he was feeling presently. He picked it up with a sob and downed the lot, the alcoholic drug relaxing him, making him feel content in the downpour of rain. He got shakily to his feet. He never drank much alcohol. He never had the stomach for it. He looked up at the dark rainclouds and forgot his surroundings. Forgot the bitter wind and icy rain. Forgot the bodies lying on the floor. He imagined the sun, the blue sky and clouds white as sheep. The reality could not be more different but that was a different world from Kane, he was in his own peaceful world now.


He was still in that world when the policeman arrived, looking for his friend. He looked down at the bodies and called out for help before noticing Kane, eyes vacant, murder weapon still in hand. he brought an unprotesting Kane down to the ground hard, placing the handcuffs around his bloodstained hands. But Kane didn't care. He was at peace...

A cruel smile played on Kane's lips as he swung open the heavy door and
stepped out into the cold, grim world. The rain came down heavily,
freezing him. "The world is a cruel place."

MEH! You repeated the word cruel. I'm sure there are alternatives so the repetition isn't necessary.
Synonyms for the word cruel: atrocious, barbaric, barbarous, bloody, brutal, brutish, callous, depraved, despiteful, diabolical, dispiteous, draconian, evil, fell, ferocious, fiendish, fierce, hard, hardhearted, harsh, heartless, implacable, incompassionate, indurate, inexorable, inhuman, inhumane, insensitive, iron, lupine, malicious, marblehearted, mean, merciless, perverted, pitiless, relentless, remorseless, ruthless, sadistic, satanic, savage, severe, truculent, tyrannical, tyrannous, unfeeling, unjust, unkind, unmerciful, vengeful, vicious, wicked

And again the repetition, cold air and cold steel. I mean, the repetitions isn't a big deal, but since it's a simple word that has a lot of alternatives, I don't know why you don't just switch out some words.

Anyway even as he drew his next breath of cold, stale air he knew many, many others would be drawing thier last.

"It was hardly as if Russell had been a contribution to society" That sentence is a little hard to read. Maybe simplifying it to "It was not as if Russell had been a contribution...." would make it easier to read.

"Drinking buckfast..." I wonder, what is buckfast?

LOL I love that you have him selling wine though. That wasn't expected.

I have a little problem with the voice of the narrator. It doesn't seem like he's a part of the story, so while reading it, I felt he was a little biased. Example: "Where else would some lowlife piece of scum sell wine to minors. The
local shop. He was there all right. A brief flash of malice appeared in
the eyes of Kane and again he drew comfort from the blade in his pocket..."

If you're not going to have the narrator as part of the story, then you shouldn't use words like that when the narrator is talking. You could change it two ways. Make the narrator a part of the story, on the side of Kane, or make that part about lowlife scum be a thought of kane instead of the narrator speaking.

Enjoying the sharp edge puncturing his cold flesh.

^^That's a fragment.

"...against his face as he walked seemingly casually towards..."

There's no need for the word seemingly. I know that you want it to sound like he was TRYING to walk casually, which is the opposite of casually walking, but I think that, while reading it, it just sounded like a filler word, if that makes sense. There really isn't a NEED to remove it though, just a suggestion.

"He sneaked down quietly, very quietly to the upturned bin. The rain hiding any noise he made." I'm not sure "sneaked" is the right word. I think it's "snuck" but I'm not sure. Also, the period separating these two sentences should be a comma.

"and when the knife came into contact with him he fell his head smashing
off of the wall sending blood running down it only to be diluited by
the downpour of rain. There were no screams, he was dead before he knew
it." I think the description there is pointless, but if you want to keep it, then it should read, "sending blood running down, only to be diluted (you mispelled diluted) by the downpour of rain. Also, "he was dead before he knew it" would sound better if written, "he was dead before he hit the ground."

This time Kane felt the full force of the act he had commited and he
fell to his knees, vomit rising in his throat. The accusing, lifless
eyes of Russell and the WPC stared up at him. He backed away in terror,
as if some way they would jump up and strike them, as he did them...

^^ That just seems totally out of character. You portrayed this guy with a cruel laugh and all that, and now he's about to throw up cause he killed some people? I think that's a bit inconsistent with the beginning of the story.

I'm not exactly sure what you were going for with this story. I'm not sure how this guy can be at peace...he started off trying to kill a guy because he's selling wine to kids, which makes him seem good. And then, you make his seem like a crazy, cruel person. He's got a wicked sharp knife and he's laughing at the though of killing someone. Plus, he likes self mutilation, as observed by pricking his own finger with the knife. Later on, after he's killed Russell and the policewoman, he shows that good guy side again with his vomit, but at the end, he was at peace because the guy was dead? This is the most dynamic character I've ever seen, but not necessarily in a good way. Perhaps with some major revisions, including not only the character but the narrator as well, and the whole plot of the story, this piece might work.

NB: I didn't repeat the word cruel, my Standard Grade English paper did. I wrote this in practice for my writing exam 2007. The opening paragraph was written by... Someone else.

The question was this:

Write a short story using the following opening:

A cruel smile played on Kane's lips as he swung open the heavy door and
stepped out into the cold, grim world. The rain came down heavily,
freezing him. "The world is a cruel place."

The rest was written by me.


Buckfast is wine. You'll notice many aspects of Scottish culture throughout the story.


The grammatical errors are duly noted

Yeah, I used some filler.

Inconsistancy = Meh. Duly noted. I felt it displayed the contrast between Kane's murder of someone who, frankly, deserved it and an innocent bystander.

The narrator is biased towards Kane simply because... Well, I felt that, especially in the early stages of the story, the reader would be biased towards Kane.

As for your final comment, I wasn't going anywhere with the story. I wrote it as a practice piece for my English exam about two years ago. I posted it more to see the forums opinion of my writing then and the standard it has reached now.

Even though I haven't actually written anything as of late. Oh well.

Holy hell kryslee. You went to town...

P.S... "Humour"?

Humour = British spelling

Ranyart wrote:That's the spelling I use. Here in Canada, we use the British means of spelling words such as this (humour, colour, flavour, etc.).